Yesterday I woke up nice and early to have breakfast with Beth and Ilana, and Pickles.
We had a nice little spread! (The Yellow Tail stayed in its bag, don’t worry.)
I was gearing up for a 12 mile run, so I had a big bowl of Raisin Bran Crunch with a banana and 1/2 slice of Blueberry bread with peanut butter.
After breakfast, I waited about an hour to head out. As I Tweeted, I was pretty nervous about it. Luckily I had a great support system to cheer me on!
Unfortunately, 12 miles just wasn’t in the cards. As soon as I started running my calves felt tight, my left shin was sore and my legs just felt heavy. Discomfort aside, my head was not in the right place. I was in a pretty bad mood, and while sometimes running outdoors helps me focus on something else and clear my head, this wasn’t the case today. After about a mile of trying to psych myself up and get into my groove, I knew it wasn’t going to work. Rather than torture myself, I turned right around and walked home. My mind was racing, worried about the half-marathon that is in two weeks: I couldn’t even run 9 miles last week due to pain, so how am I going to run 13.1?! This was supposed to be my last long run before starting to taper, and I couldn’t even do it.
That got me thinking. This is supposed to be fun. The only person I’m running for is me (…right?) and it hasn’t been enjoyable for the last few weeks, with a few exceptions. Instead, it’s become a stressful chunk of time that I usually feel guilty about not using for work and the passion that originally incited me to start this series of races has died. Moreover, since I choose to broadcast a lot of my life through various mediums on the internet, I felt embarrassed about not being able to complete this goal. Yesterday I felt like a failure, and it was a horrible, horrible feeling.
There are a few things I have been lucky enough to feel truly passionate about (reading, cooking, running) but recently they’ve felt more stressful than fun, and I’ve found myself procrastinating doing the things that I used to love. What’s with that? “Failures” are usually learning experiences, and I would love to learn a little more about myself while I evaluate:
1) Why it’s important for me to run long distances, and
2) Why my brain and head seem to be rebelling against it.
What is clear to me is that something needs to change. I’m not sure what it is; maybe I need to start my own happiness project and come up with new goals, or maybe I need to find something that doesn’t have a concrete “pass” or “fail” award. The one thing I do know is that I’m incredibly hard on myself, and the first thing I probably need to get better at is accepting who I am without thinking about things in terms of success and limitations.
While I was stewing this over in my mind, I made a big salad for lunch.
In the mix:
- last of the Chopped Coconut Miso Salad
- sauerkraut
- dulse
- spinach
- grape tomatoes
- goji berries
- pumpkin seeds
- sesame oil/rice wine vinegar drizzle
I also had two slices of Gluten Free Bran Bread… even veggie patches need comfort food.
One of my friends tried it out, and before I told her what it was made of she remarked on the moistness, comparing it to a chocolate-chip cookie fresh out of the oven. The rye bread was also super moist, so I think it has to do with the almond meal/flax base. I love it!
I fell asleep while doing some work in bed (never a good idea!) and when I woke up, snacked on an apple with maca and cinnamon. I wish I could bring this combination to work without making a mess!
Dinner was a bit of an experiment. I knew I wanted to keep my theme of comfort food, and what’s more comforting than macaroni and cheese? I wanted it to be really cheesy, and although I usually add all kinds of things to the noodles (nutritional yeast, laughing cow wedge, parmesan) they don’t usually increase the cheese factor. This time I mashed about 1/5 of a block of firm tofu, and it worked! I didn’t add any extra cheese (or cheeze) and it perfectly creamy.
I enjoyed it with a side of steamed broccoli, broc water, and a sprinkle of Emeril’s Original Essence.
Followed closely by a dessert plate, starring dried fruit, Maranatha almond butter, and one of Gina‘s Superoons. Speaking of Gina, a huge congratulations to her for finishing the Disney Princess Half-Marathon!!!
Well, off to go get ready for work. Have a wonderful day 
Have any of your former passions turned into stressful chores? Do you evaluate yourself in terms of successes and failures?
This was a great post! I love the blog world, but I think it can put pressures on people do eat certain things, run certain distances, be a certain way, and it shouldn’t. If your training isn’t something you’re enjoying anymore, then don’t force yourself to do it! It should be FUN for you, not something you dread, and especially not something painful that could lead to an injury! NO SHAME in backing down from a race!
Awww, it breaks my heart to hear that you feel like a failure at running. You’re not! I promise! Your questions couldn’t have come at a better time because lately blogging has felt like a chore. I think I need to take a break and let my passion for it grow again. In terms of your running though, I know how hard it is to set standards for yourself and not meet them. I’ve been there! After a lot of disappointments I’ve learned to just appreciate what I can do. Either you’ll renew your love for running or you’ll find another outlet that let’s you clear your head/enjoy yourself
I can def relate to this running thing! This summer I REALLY got in to running and was doing about 5 miles a day 5-6 days a week. At first it was fun and after a few months it became a chore. I never intended for that to happen and I def didnt want to ruin running for myself. So I eventually cut down (and then I got hurt) and now I’m running 2-3 days a week for about 3 miles each. You need to listen to yourself and remember, like you said, this is supposed to be fun! And what’s the point if it’s not?! Life is entirely too short to waste your time doing stuff your mind and/or body doesn’t want to do. We are here to support you not ridicule for your “shortcomings” (if you even want to call it that!) Smile love!
I know how you feel! I thought about “becoming a runner” when I first started committing myself to getting fit. At the gym I run a little bit, but I realised that the hardest part about it was making myself not hate it. Even if I ran a marathon I don’t know if I could be proud, because I’d dread the journey so much. I’ve find other cardio workouts; though they don’t have any concrete goals (or aren’t pass/fail sorts of thing) everytime I work out and feel energized makes me happy and feel accomplished. So I just stick with that.
It’s important to push yourself, but at a certain point personal happiness comes first! I hope you figure it out and I’m sure you will. And I’m sure you CAN run 13.1 miles…I guess you just need to decide if it’s worth it! Good luck!
And that salad looks really good!
I’m sorry your run didn’t turn out the way you would have liked… but you’re right, the only person you’re running for is you. If it makes you miserable, you don’t need to push yourself past a certain point, you know?
<3 <3
I just started running, so I haven’t quite burned myself out yet, thank goodness!!
I’m going to do a 5k this weekend an an 8K the next. After that I am planning on continuing to train for 8K’s and 10K’s, but if I start dreading it or I feel like it’s too hard on my body, I’ll probably take it down a notch.
K – all you can do is honor your body and where you are at this moment in time! life is too short to feel pressured into anything – you are not a failure if you choose not to run the half – you are a role model! This is a very honest post and I so appreciate your talking about this. I’ve struggled to stay motivated through my marathon training and I’m not sure this is ever something I want to do again.
How was the Happiness Project? I saw you reading it a few weeks ago. I’ve been thinking of getting it – i’ve been toying with the idea of a year on my own happiness project.
My passion for skating turned into just that! Stress with chronic injuries, stress of pleasing so many, stress of competitions and never feeling ready(because of injuries- both mine and my partner), stress of finances, stress of not having any down time or social life, etc.
Reflection is hard to face, but important. You are so strong, bright, and beautiful, and you always seem to make the best decisions in the end.
P.s. the idea of adding fu to mac and cheese is brills. completely! i need to do that! (cottage cheese is also good!)
Don’t feel like a failure! I am also extremely hard on myself, but one of my resolutions this year was to try to not be! I think I am doing an ok job, although, you are right – running is one of those things that you either have a good day at, or a terrible day. I wonder why that happens?! I have tried to tell myself that it is OK to have a bad day! Not everyday is going to be an awesome run while you are training for something. You ran 9 miles! You are absolutely going to finish the half and do great! I am running the NYC half on the 21st and I am also pretty nervous because I have not been doing nearly as much training as for my last half! Don’t worry about your run yesterday – start your taper and you will be well rested for the race!
I’m really proud of you for recognising this, Katie. I’ve definitely felt like that at times with various things- my music, my blog, cooking, dance. I posted something rather vague a while ago about the exact same thing- http://insideiamdancing.blogspot.com/2009/06/when-quitting-is-good-thing.html
It’s okay to stop if the fun has gone. You are only doing this for yourself and your happiness- if it’s causing more stress than joy, it’s not failing to pull back.
Raisin bran crunch = best cereal ever.
Hope you have a great Monday!
I understand where you’re coming from but I really wish you weren’t so dang hard on yourself. You’re truly an amazing woman and no matter what you do or don’t do you will never be viewed as a failure – by anyone! You have to focus on what you enjoy- do things for you! I think this is one of the things I struggle with more than anything else. Alot of my “quirks” and unhealthy behaviors stem from the fact that I tend not to think about what is good for me, but what is good for other people or to other people. It’s always good to take a step back and evaluate how others might view you, but you can’t let it get to you because the only person you truly answer to is yourself and you need to do what makes you happy!
Feel better love and don’t get too down on yourself – if all else fails know that you inspire ME!
Nicole G
oops- that was my old blog. Post is here: http://insideiamdancing.wordpress.com/2009/06/06/when-quitting-is-a-good-thing/
hey lady,
thank you so much for the lovely shout out! <3
i totally know how you feel about the running thing.. i started to get SO sick of it at the end and the only reason i finished my last few training runs was because i had friends doing it with me. otherwise, it wouldn't have happened. the good thing is that the half is OVER and before you know it, yours will be too! it's only a temporary thing- before long, you're in the car driving home. after your half you won't need to run long distances unless you WANT to! something i'm very excited about. it will feel so good to get back in an exercise schedule for ME, instead of a race, ya know???
you are an amazing, beautiful, smart, talented, lovely girl and i'm very lucky to know you.
do what's best for you, always <3
xoxoxo
I can absolutely relate to what you are saying…putting stress on ourselves for doing 12 miles when we can really only do half of that is just silly…I have no idea why but I do it too! Don’t feel like a failure, you did more than most people (myself included) can do. Great job!
oh, katie! i’m so sorry to hear your struggles, but I also commend you on being so honest with all of us. if running has lost all it’s sparkle and makes you feel awful (literally and figuratively!) then i think it’s a sign to take it easy for a while. maybe you are burnt out and need a new outlet!? either way, it is you decision and only you know what is right for you! no matter what, you can always know that your readers have your back :]
Katie, Katie, Katie. My heart hurt for you too. I am proud of you for listening to yourself! Have a nice relaxing and indulgent day.
i understand this feeling all too well – it’s tough to be pumped up to do something and then just feel like you can’t do it. i think it’s important to reevaluate why we love doing something and try to get back to the root of the enjoyment. as you said, the things we enjoy, we do for ourselves! why is that always so hard for us to remember? i wish it weren’t.
here’s to hoping your monday is the start of a fresh week!
I’m sorry to hear about the run but you totally should NOT beat yourself up! You are an amazing woman! I think reading about running makes us all put pressure on ourselves to run further and achieve more! Great eats today- yum yum! Love a good bowl of mac n cheese- always makes me happy
Have a good week- <3 ya!
Katie! I am so sorry to hear about your run. You are so spot on. If it isn’t bringing you happiness, don’t do it!
Maybe you should look into yoga? That’s the biggest form of exercise that comes to mind of insisting upon following your own practice without the concept of pass/fail (as competitive as some people try and make yoga)
Do what is best for you! You wouldn’t be letting anyone down. I love reading your blog and it wouldn’t matter to me if you lay on the couch all day eating Ben and Jerry’s from the carton!
I’m sorry about your run (I used to be a serious runner and I know what it’s like to not meet your “goals”!). But you are right – you should run to make yourself HAPPY. Happiness is beautiful, happiness is life, and I think the more things we can do to make ourselves happy, the more fulfilling our life is. I don’t think this was a failure for you at all – in fact it was a success in giving you a mindset to reevalutate why you run and what about it makes you happy! Yay!
Sorry for babbling and writing a novel, but you seem like such a great girl and I don’t want to see you beat yourself up! You are fab sista!
GF Bran Bread sounds amazing and tummy friendly for me
Yum-o!!! I can’t run long distances…wish I could. slowly trying to work up to it, but I prefer swimming, cycling, or iceskating!! 
WoW! Thanks for being so honest. Everyone has these feelings and it is comforting to know that you are not alone. Sometimes making art (what I feel passion for) starts to feel stressful. I know it sounds ridiculous but if you are so worried about the success of a painting, it sucks the fun out of making it. With this I suggest taking the pressure off. Maybe you shouldn’t say I’m going to run exactly 12 miles today, but rather I am going to run today. I don’t know, on the other hand there is something to be said with sticking to a goal. I think you have a decision to make. FIrstly, do I want to run simply for pleasure? or Do I want to run to reach a goal?
Thanks for being so honest about it! I think people struggle with those feelings a lot.
I did competitive show jumping for a really long time, and at one point it became so stressful that I was throwing up a lot before competitions. My parents ended up making me take a year off.
Just remember to do what’s best for you!
Katie,
I am so proud of you for recognizing that you should not push yourself and do whats best for you and listening to your body!!! Hey we all have struggles, and I know love that if you feel inside you really want this, you will do it!!! U will conquer that run!!!
I love ya girl!!! Have a great day and dont ever think you are a failure!!!! xoxo
oh girl…you are preaching to the choir on this one! i am also so good at putting extra, undue pressure on myself and turning things that i like to do into things i have to do. usually, that ends up making me super crabby and unhappy in the end too. it’s such a fine line, and i am really working to find where that balance is. it’s hard to admit things like this, but i admire you for coming out with it, because it’s something we all go through. i’ve found the best thing to do is just keep plugging along. ebbs and flows are natural – you will get your groove back soon lady
lots of love to ya! xoxo
Hey you! I went through the same re-evaluation of my running a few weeks ago after I bowed out of my most recent half marathon, just a week before the race, due to injury. As you know, I too am a competitive person, and it is hard when you don’t meet your goals, (the day of the race was brutal watching the clock) but like every one else is saying, you really do have to do what’s best for you – and for your body. And besides, you’ve already essentially logged the miles, already done the half, even if you don’t do the race – you’re already a star!
I’ve been reading your blog for the longest time now, but I’m pretty sure I haven’t commented. Just wanted to say that your blog is one of my absolute favourites, and that you have no reason to be hard on yourself! Sometimes it’s nice to head out for a run with no predetermined distance, and see where your legs take you. I too run with a HRM and track everything and want to improve, but I also make sure that every now and then I just run for the fun of it. I’ve planned to run 7 miles, only to stop at 3…but I’ve also gone out with the intention of doing 2, and done 10. You never know, so you might as well have fun! We can’t plan how our bodies are going to feel, so as long as you listen, you won’t get injured, and when you get that awesome feeling, especially when you havent planned it, you’ll remember why you like running in the first place!
Great post. I think this happens to all of us at some point (a passion becoming a chore). For me, cooking and baking lost their lustre after I had my daughter. I still cooked and baked, but just because I felt like I had to, to be a good mommy, not because I wanted to. All my meals were sort of uninspired and very much same old, same old. I’m just starting to get interested in meal prep again, now that my girl is old enough to entertain herself a bit better. Also, my blog. I love writing it, but I started feeling like it was a “have to do” instead of “want to do” on my daily list, and I would feel like a big failure if I didn’t write every day. Which is why I’m enjoying some time off from it for a few days while I enjoy everyone else’s wonderful blogs. (And I’ve actually exercised and caught up on some annoying housework, too!)
Ditto what everyone else says, especially the comment that you’ve been a SUCCESS because you’re standing back and reflecting on running and pushing yourself and being hard on yourself. You will figure this out. If you don’t run in the half, it will be because you weighed all the possibilities, and DECIDED not to–not because you’re a failure.
Just because you CAN do something, doesn’t mean you HAVE to do it, or even SHOULD. 13-milers will always be out there. You’ll figure this out.
Great post, Katie!
I totally agree with you – you have to accept who you are, the way you are! The path for hapiness isn´t far from that
Have an amazing Tuesday, girl!
Brazilian XOXO´s,
Gabriela
aww you should be so proud of yourself for even entering the race to begin with! i know exactly where you’re coming from though. when i first signed up for a half marathon and a marathon i was way to over zealous and ended up freaking myself out and overtraining myself and tore my hip labrum and then couldn’t run either of them! i learned a lot about myself and pushing myself too hard and what happens when you do. i haven’t really been able to run since! if i could go back i needed to take it slower so you should be so proud of yourself for just listening to your body
you’ll be so awesome in the halfsies so don’t stress at all!
lots of love lady!
Aww Katie i’m sorry about this. I am too hard on myself sometimes too, we gotta just learn to ease up sometimes, you know?!
I honestly admire you MORE for admitting that the race training just isn’t working as planned! I don’t get why runners continue to push themselves if they’re body is HURTING time after time again! You’re amazing girl, and you’re also so strong and active–so don’t feel bad about this situation AT ALL!
And in regards to THE FOOD–that cheesy mac n cheese looks to dieee for, along with the dessert plate